


It’s always colder on your own

by orphan_account



Category: DCU, Green Lantern - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Flashbacks, Gen, Hal Jordan has Issues, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hal Jordan has been alive for exactly 267 years. He’s counted. He knows it’s unnatural but the fact is undeniable. Being forced to watch as his friends died one by one and attending countless hospital visits and funerals takes its toll on him.-Hal outlives all of his friends and when he thinks it's finally over, he doesn't even die properly.
Relationships: And other nieces and nephews, Barry Allen & Hal Jordan, Barry Allen/Iris West, Hal Jordan & Bruce Wayne, Hal Jordan & Helen Jordan II | Hal Jordan's Niece, Past Barry Allen/Hal Jordan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	It’s always colder on your own

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "This December" by Ricky Montgomery.
> 
> Nobody:  
> Me: So is anybody going to make Hal Jordan sad or-

In the vast emptiness of space, Hal Jordan has time to think. In fact, he has _all_ the time to think because the living world just doesn’t want to let him go. It refuses. It holds him back. He fights back against the living world, pleading for death to take him, but he’s still drifting in space as he watches Earth grow more distant.

Hal Jordan has been alive for exactly 267 years. He’s counted. He knows it’s unnatural but the fact is undeniable. Being forced to watch as his friends died one by one and attending countless hospital visits and funerals takes its toll on him. When he’s sitting in a chair next to Barry Allen’s death bed, he can only observe as his best friend takes his last breath. The tears don’t fall. It scared him as he touched his own face, waiting- expecting the wetness on his cheeks that never came. Hal had carried Barry in his heart no matter where life took him but no matter how long he looked fixedly at his face, he couldn’t bring himself to grieve. Had he already grown that numb to the loss? After Barry’s death, Hal stopped showing his face at the following funerals. He put off reunions with the other former Green Lanterns of Earth. His friends assumed that Hal didn’t want to feel awkward, sitting at a table with colleagues who had aged while he sat with his curled brown hair without a single gray hair and smooth face, forever young. The only sign of wear on his body were the bags under his eyes from the overwhelming stress that he experienced throughout his life. Eventually, he flew back to Oa, gave up his ring (despite his prestige and supposed immortality) before returning to Earth to reside in isolation.

When his body finally gave in, Hal was alone in his apartment. He was going to be evicted that week. Perhaps the tightness around his head from worrying over where he was going to move next had finally reached his heart and sent him into cardiac arrest. He’s sure the landlord had quite the surprise when he found his body on the torn-up couch. It still makes him laugh sometimes. At a younger age when his arrogance still guided his every move and decision, he dreamed of having a large funeral in the middle of a boundless grassy field. The entire Justice League and The Green Lantern Corps would attend his funeral. Of course, the funeral would be open-casket so everyone could remember how handsome he was, even in death. The two organizations that he had dedicated his life-long services to would argue over the presentation of the funeral (obviously) until Carol Ferris used her commanding presence to point everyone back to the instructions written in Hal’s will. The funeral would carry on with countless eulogies, green flower bouquets, and hopefully some forgiving forehead kisses from his past lovers that he couldn’t commit to.

Looking back, it was a stupid fantasy. At most, there were twenty people who attended his funeral. Most of them members of the Jordan family who came begrudgingly. He heard whispers among the guests who had heard about Hal Jordan’s unstable personality and turbulent lifestyle from relatives. It was probably all blabber and gossip that was exaggerated as it got passed down through the generations. Most of the guests didn’t even realize that Hal was still alive apart from his nieces and nephews who were all-grown up. All of them presented tear-jerking eulogies with plenty of inside jokes vaguely referring to his superhero career and the Spectre’s metaphysical world. No one in the crowd had a clue what they were talking about, but the eulogy wasn’t for them anyway. Although Helen, Jane, and Howard had made up for the absolute shitshow that was his funeral, one glaring detail stood out to him. Not a single Green Lantern had attended. Most of the Justice League had already passed by the time Hal had so there wasn’t anyone alive that was thoughtful enough to send a message up to the Green Lantern Corps to notify them of Hal’s death. Even if they had gotten wind of the news, would they have taken the time to attend his funeral? He wasn’t certain of anything anymore.

This included death, seeing as Hal was drifting through space as a bright glowing green husk of pure will. When he left his body behind, he wasn’t taken to heaven or hell (yet another thing he wasn’t certain of). Instead, he was left on Earth. His pure will, too powerful to be destroyed by his own demise was abandoned by Death like a cockroach it couldn’t eradicate. The only benefit of this form was regaining his ability to fly, so Hal flew. With no direction in mind, he flew past the ozone layer, further and further at record speeds until he broke past the exosphere and into space. And here he was now, drifting without intention or objective. Only desire. The desire for his pure will to eventually break down until it releases his soul and allows him to pass on. Well- he can only hope that’s how this’ll work out.

-

One day, he’s floating past Oa, catching the attention of several Green Lanterns from below. He’s not entirely sure how he got here. Aimless drifting doesn’t usually entail ending up at the headquarters of the intergalactic organization he used to be a part of. Continuing to coast by, no one comes immediately and if his guess is right, it’s because the newbies are reporting back to their seniors and seeking advice on how to act. Eventually, a single Green Lantern flies out to space to meet him. To his surprise, it’s Kilowag who stares wide-eyed at the Hal-shaped essence in front of him. He could tell from Kilowag’s appearance that he was visibly older. For a moment, Hal stops floating and takes control of his own form to turn and stare back. Abruptly, Kilowag begins to _cry_ and it tears Hal’s heart into pieces. As protective and kind as Kilowag was, the rugged and brilliant soldier rarely cried.

“Hal! What happened to you!?” he gasps, “I didn’t realize…or I mean... expect to see you here! The way the young poozers described you made it seem like you were an intruder!”

Hal opens his mouth to respond, but finds himself incapable of speaking. With a frown, he points at his own throat and shakes his head. Kilowag sighs.

“I’ll take you to The Guardians. See if we can make sense of any of this,” he says, sniffling and wiping the tears from his eyes to make himself presentable before heading back, “You know, you never even said goodbye. Some tough guy you are- not even able to stick around and say goodbye to the corps you fought with since-”

He pauses when Hal makes an X with his arms.

“What? Not a tough guy?”

Hal shakes his head and gestures again with the X. Kilowag blinks.

“You’re not coming back?” Hal nods and Kilowag bares his teeth.

“T-Then what the hell are you here for!? Get out of here! I didn’t want to see your face around here anyway!” he shouts, clearly feeling betrayed by the tone of his voice. Hal just quietly laughs at his reaction which makes Kilowag shake out of frustration and bewilderment. Deep inside, he knows Kilowag is going to miss him. There’s no doubt about it. Working decades in an intergalactic police force with a friend will do that to you.

Typically, Hal would be getting a running start but he knows whatever punch Kilowag throws at him won’t harm him in this form. He tested it back on Earth. His reckless stunt got caught on camera by some extraterrestrial hunters in the middle of Arizona. Despite this, he still braces for impact as Kilowag comes towards him… and tightly embraces him (to the best of his abilities). The arms go through his form, but Kilowag stays in position attempting to hug him. It motivates Hal to try and hug back, wrapping his glowing green arms around Kilowag. There’s another sniffle from the giant.

After a moment of silence, Kilowag “releases” Hal and gives him a smile.

“Thanks for a proper farewell,” he says through a choked sob. This is his cue to leave, so Hal waves to his friend before taking off to continue his endless journey.

-

Weeks, possibly months later, Hal remembers his last conversation with Batman. He was nearing his 60s with no signs of aging so he had begun searching for an explanation for his condition. When the desperate search was going nowhere, he was eventually forced to call Batman and let him know that he was going to come by the manor to which Bruce responded, “When you get to Gotham, you better walk here.” The billionaire would take his secret identity as the night-clad superhero to the grave and he wasn’t going to let Hal Jordan of all people risk exposing it. As promised, Hal deactivated his ring when he reached Gotham city and walked all the way to Wayne Manor. Alfred wasn't there to greet him at the gates. Instead, there was a security keypad that was a lot less fun to interact with. Making an internal note not to make any mention of Alfred during his visit, he entered the code Bruce had given him and passed through the gate. Hal escorted himself down to the Batcave all while imagining how a conversation with Alfred would have gone; they might have talked about the kids and who the hell the current Robin was. It was hard to keep track. Lucky for him, he was already informed that since Bruce had retired, no one had taken the mantle of Robin since Damian. It was a surprise to Hal that Bruce hadn’t continued bringing more vigilante children under his watch. He really must have been worn out by the ones he already had under his care.

When he stepped into the dim cave, the first thing Hal noticed was that nothing in the room had changed much since the last time he had visited. The suits were all displayed in the glass cases, the Batmobile was still parked on a lower floor… everything seemed to be in order. He found Bruce sitting in front of the Batcomputer (seriously, how was he _not_ embarrassed by all these weird names he gave his stuff), watching a specific security footage on one of the screens. It’s Dick Grayson and Duke Thomas playing basketball together on the outdoor court.

“Why not join them?” Hal asked instead of saying hello like a normal person would. Bruce rolled his eyes, but turned his chair to face Hal. Now that he had a good look at him, Hal could see Bruce’s gray hair which stood out like a lightbulb in the cave. He still had his cold glare that pierced through him, analyzing his every step.

“Let them have their fun. I don’t need to interrupt,” Bruce responded before quickly changing subjects, “What do you need Jordan?”

“Oh, just one thing. Figured I might stop by and ask you a question that’s been on my mind,” Hal said. With his hands, he gestured towards his own body. “Okay, so- what the fuck is wrong with me!? I’ve asked everyone- literally everyone-”

“Except for me.”

“Except for you! But no one else knows what’s going on!”

Bruce slowly pushed himself off of his seat. It made Hal wince to see how the once unstoppable Batman now struggled to get to his feet alone.

“I thought you’d figure it out by now,” Bruce said, “It doesn’t take much to put the pieces together.”

“So you do know?” Hal asked. After all his searching, was he finally going to get the answer he wanted? Could he fix himself?

“Jordan, you’ve taken on many different names in your lifetime. You were possessed by the ancient entity of fear, Parallax, you became the vessel of the Mother Box to become the God of Light, you’ve touched on nearly every color of the lantern spectrum including the Black Lanterns, hell- you’ve died more times than I can count.”

“About three times to be exact. Maybe four,” Hal responded with a smirk but Bruce doesn't roll his eyes like he expected him to.

“And wouldn’t you think that the culmination of all that power you’ve wielded throughout your life would have some effect on your ability to age?” Bruce asked. Hal stared blankly at him.

“But Bruce… that means…”

“That there’s no way to fix your condition. It’s not a curse or a virus. It’s beyond a cure.”

Hal couldn’t move. His feet stuck to the stone floor and his arms hung limply by his sides. It took a bit for Hal to realize that he was staring at the ground and spacing out. He was stuck like this. Inevitably, all of the people he loved would die and he would just have to sit and watch. The feeling of helplessness that pulsed inside him was miserable to experience. Suddenly, a hand touched his shoulder and Hal jolted back into reality.

“I’m sorry,” Bruce whispered. There was an unusual amount of sympathy and pain in his tone.

“Don’t be. I did this to myself didn’t I? I should’ve known it would’ve ended up this way.”

Bruce let go of Hal and gave him a stern look.

“You don’t deserve this either way.”

Together, the two shared a moment of silence before Hal decided it was time for him to leave. At the time, he didn’t realize that it would be the last time he would see Bruce. He would have stayed longer if he did.

“Spend some time with the kids Bruce. They’d enjoy your company,” Hal remembers telling Bruce as he reached the door to the Batcave.

Bruce glanced back at the monitor with the footage he was viewing earlier. Duke had scored and was gleaming with pride as he teased Dick.

“You know…” he started, “I think I will.”

-

An unknown amount of time and hundreds of unrecognizable planets and moons later, Hal is still drifting. Earth is long long gone. Oa too. Where the hell is he?

Feeling like he’s woken up from a coma, Hal stretches out then relaxes with his limbs sprawled out. There’s nothing around him. No sound except for the dead silence of space. He feels so small for a body of infinite will.

And then he sees it: a small planet in the distance. There are small ships flying in and out of its atmoshpere. A small visit to civilization couldn’t hurt. He flies towards the planet and down to its surface. He’s amazed to find a bustling market filled with stands and tents where aliens trade minerals and strange pieces of junk for food and weapons. As he strolls through the market, he gets glances from the inhabitants and other visitors. It isn’t until now that Hal realizes that he can understand what the aliens are saying, even without his ring. He puts his hand up against his face. He should have realized it back when he met Kilowag near Oa.

“Why is he glowing?”

“Looks like a Green Lantern doesn’t he?”

“I’ve never seen a human this far away from its planet!”

“Are you sure that’s a human?”

Hal hides a pleased smile at the attention he’s getting. He spends about an hour looking around when it starts to grow dark. He finds a building closely resembling a bar and decides to head inside and settle down at the counter, far from the other guests. The bartender comes over to him anyway.

“What will it be?” they ask, a pair of arms leaning against the counter as they lean forward to get a good look at Hal while another pair of hands dries some mugs with a rag.

Hal points to his throat and shakes his head.

“Quiet? No- mute? Fine with me. I’ll serve you something you might like. We had a human like you come here once several years back. He was a nice fellow. Certainly wasn’t glowing like you are but he did like this drink...”

Nervously, Hal tries his best to let the bartender know that he didn’t have any money to pay for the drink. It takes a while, but they finally catch on.

“Don’t worry about it. The drink’s on me tonight.”

Soon, a mug is filled with a mysterious dark liquid. It has foam like beer, but it’s definitely not the typical color of the alcohol. He lifts the glass and takes a large swig, but all he can feel is the burn, not the taste. It’s not bad. In this energized form, he wasn’t actually expecting to be able to drink anything.

“How is it?”

Not wanting to disappoint the bartender, Hal grins and nods in appreciation. That wins him a fanged smile from the bartender.

“Another happy customer, another happy night for me,” the bartender beams with delight. Over the next two hours, the bartender engages Hal in a one-sided conversation about the planet’s traditions and their own family back at home. As it turns out, the bartender is from another planet, but left their home planet to find work. Unfortunately, the best they could find was this.

“Do you think they’d be disappointed?” the bartender asks before Hal departs, “I’ve barely scraped up enough to support my family for a year. My partner and kids think I’m an engineer. I can’t meet their expectations and I’m afraid of telling them the truth..”

Hal can only gaze back in contemplation. He wants to tell them that he believes in them. If he has the will, he can accomplish anything. Find a better job, earn more money, return to his family with pride. No matter how hard he tries, not even a whisper leaves his throat. His efforts make the bartender grin from ear to ear.

“At least you’re trying,” the bartender commends him, “ _At least you’re trying_.”

-

The conversation he had with the bartender won’t leave his head. He never even asked them for their name. Hal floats on his back through the starry void, hovering between the thoughts of lovers and the thoughts of existing in the eternal abyss of the universe. In the end, he decides to focus on the thoughts of past lovers. It might be less depressing.

He recalls a time when he was sitting at a fast food place with Barry after work. They were still young- or- Barry was still young. At the time, Hal still hadn’t realized that he wasn’t aging since everyone around his age was faring as well as he was. Barry had ordered three meals as usual because of his metabolism. Hal had ordered a small fry because he was broke. He ended up ordering a full meal after Barry offered to pay for him.

“How are you and Iris doing?” Hal asked, sneaking a quick look at the ring on Barry’s left hand. The wedding ring to be precise.

Barry swallowed his bite of a cheeseburger. “Amazing,” he blurted, “So glad you could make it to the wedding Hal. It was the best day of my life but I don’t know if I could’ve gotten through it without you. Remember? I was nervous- likeextremelynervousbuteverythingturned outalrightintheendbecauseofyourpeptalk!WewentonourhoneymoonandIgotabreakfrommydepartmentforitandBaliwasincredible.Ohyeah!Wejustmovedintoournewhomelastweek!YoushouldstopbyIcouldgiveyoutheaddressifyou-”

“Barry!”

Barry stopped mid sentence and blushed.

“You probably didn’t catch most of that,” he said apologetically, rubbing the back of his head, “Long story short, I want you to come over to our new house. We can have dinner together on a day you’re free!”

“Oh yeah. Sure.”

The disappointed expression on Barry’s face told Hal everything.

“I’m free this Friday,” he added in a rush, “Are you and Iris free that night?”

Barry took a sip of his drink before answering, “Y-Yeah we should be, but I’ll check with her just in case.”

They ate in silence for a little while before Barry broke the silence.

“Are you with someone now?”

The question caught Hal off guard and he choked on his soda. He glared at Barry who chuckled at his predicament and picked up a napkin to wipe off some spilled soda on his face.

“So are you?” Barry repeated.

“No.”

“Is that just what you want me to believe or is it the truth?”

Hal buried his head in his hands. “Believe me Barry, I am not with _anybody_. Carol and Cowgirl have moved on, I’m not interested in flings or one-nighters, and you-” He stopped himself, but the damage had already been done. There was a solemn look on his best friend now who’s finished up all of his food in the blink of an eye.

“I’m sorry Hal. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I’m sorry too.”

“...It wouldn’t have worked out with our commitments.”

“Or my lack of.”

Hands reached over the table to hold his.

“Why are you so scared of commitment?” Barry questioned earnestly, “You… don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to- I’ve just- I’ve always wanted to know. You’re never home, you leave without a word, and you hated talking about anything related to marriage. It’s like, you date someone but at the peak of your relationships you just… leave them behind. Leave me.”

Hal shivered. It’s gotten cold inside of the restaurant, or was it just his imagination? No- it was definitely getting colder. In fact, it’s freezing. He was going to die in a fast food place and Barry’s was going to be his only witness.

“I don’t know why I do what I do. It’s why I’ve stopped dating,” Hal admitted as he began to sweat, “Every since I was young, I’ve dreaded the idea of a wedding, of a sacred vow, of living and loving someone until death. It doesn’t feel right and I don’t think it ever will.”

“What feels right to you then?” Barry pressed. His thumbs were rubbing Hal’s hands in comfort and it helped the cold sensation flood out of his system, but it didn't help him find the answers to Barry’s questions. All he could say was, “I don’t know.”

The next day, Hal was surprised to find a text from Barry who was still adamant about having him come over for dinner on Friday. Maybe he understood.

-

“Hal Jordan.”

He can hear a voice in the distance but he can’t find the strength to open his eyes.

“Hal.”

There it goes again. It’s persistent. Hal wishes that the voice would shut up. He’s been asleep for a long time and wants it to stay that way.

“Son.”

His eyes snap open and he finds himself drifting through a golden contrail that was being left behind by something- or someone speeding off into the distance. Was that Lightray?

“When are you going to listen to me?”

Hal follows along the contrail, searching for the source of the familiar voice. He recognizes it from his last chase after the speedster New God. He’s flying at inhuman speeds, searching in desperation when he sees it. It’s his dad, Martin, and he’s _laughing_.

“Attaboy. I figured you’d find me in no time,” he praises.

Hal’s voice cracks, but after spending an eternity out in space it’s finally coming back to him as he reaches out towards the man.

“Dad?”

“The one and only.”

His hands barely touch Martin’s before his dad flies off. Hal follows after him in the glowing pathway.

“So you aren’t a hallucination? Is it really you?” he calls out. “Well, I’m not exactly an expert on cosmic phenomena son,” Martin responds, “But I do know that I’m not supposed to be here and you aren’t either. I’m here to take you home.”

“Home?”

“A lot of people are waiting for you. They’ve missed you.”

Picking up the pace, Hal soars right besides Martin. Their matching bomber jackets billow behind them. Tilting his head, he catches a glimpse of his dad’s eyes and hair. The striking resemblance between them is evident.

“You lived a damn good life. I saw it all you know. Despite the ups and downs you pushed through every challenge God put in front of you and I couldn’t be more proud of you,” Martin continues, “This is why I’m here to help you out of this little mess.”

It’s nice to know that his dad never gave up on him but internally, he already knows that there's no solution to this. He’s tried everything. As he opens his mouth, his dad raises a finger to his lips.

“It’s okay. Things may look hopeless at first but I can promise you Hal that there’s a way out of this.” He flies ahead and turns to face Hal.

“The only way for you to free yourself from this form is to release all that willpower energy in one big swoop,” Martin directs, pointing at Hal, “Once that power’s dispersed, you’ll be free. I’m sure of it.”

Hal’s mouth gapes open. “Are YOU KIDDING ME!?” he cries out, thrusting his arms up into the air, “This whole time I could’ve been free from this stupid form and that’s the solution!? To just blow myself up!?” Holding his sides, his dad begins laughing uncontrollably.

“Things fly over your head sometimes!” Martin cackles, shaking with laughter. Seeing his dad in such a jovial state makes it impossible for Hal to resist joining in, laughing at his own idiocy. Laughing together, everything in this moment felt alright. His worries and doubts slip away as he lives in the moment. It’s the definition of perfection. Finally, they both quiet down, tears of joy in their eyes. Martin places a hand on Hal’s shoulder. It’s the same shoulder where Bruce placed his hand.

“Let’s get going. We wouldn’t want to keep your friends waiting,” Martin says. Hal brings his hand up to hold his dad’s. Gradually, he musters all the power inside of him and the green glow surrounding him expands. It grows outward, filling the surrounding area with the warm light of will. In the dead silence of space, there’s a loud hum that vibrates through the emptiness from the imminent eruption. Immediately, Hal feels scared. He hardly ever feels scared but the unknown of the aftermath frightens him to the point of hesitation. Then his dad gently shakes him and brings him back.

“I love you,” Hal says, gripping tighter on the hand on his shoulder.

“I love you too.”

And then everything goes white.

**Author's Note:**

> The Green Lantern timeline is so confusing and I can’t keep track of anything so I took the bits and storylines that I enjoyed and just put them in one. What universe reset? What timeline reset? Anyway, here's a couple notes I made for myself while writing this:
> 
> \- Hal's willpower form is based on Hal becoming one with the willpower of the Power Gauntlet during his time as Renegade in Green Lantern Vol 5 (starting with #40).  
> \- Helen Jordan is important to me, so she doesn’t get retconned after the Spectre series. Instead, she was raised by Materna and The Risen until she was old enough to care for herself. She also becomes a Green Lantern just like her uncle in the future. By his funeral, Hal's nieces and nephews are old and Jim's already passed away.  
> \- The last scene is based on Hal and Martin's first meeting in "Hal Jordan in The Green Lantern Corps" #28.
> 
> There’s a lot more I wanted to touch on like Sinestro, the other Lanterns, Jim, the rest of the Justice League… but it was too much. Way too much. Hope you enjoyed what I managed~


End file.
